Update..

Heya! It's been a while now since my last update. Too lazy to update the blog since I've nothing much to blog about. Few days left before going back to work next week and I've to admit that I'm not ready for it yet. Not ready in the sense of lazy since it's been almost 2 month now of free ride holiday..heh. and plus not ready to answer people questions about how i feel, what happened and etc2...Like yesterday I bumped into my boss and his wife in Alamanda( went there for lunch with hubby to search for jelly gamat and contact lenses for self) he began to ask me about my condition. But when his curious wife asked what happened actually he had to tell everything that I lost my child after 9 months of pregnancy etc. She gave me the console hug and it just made me sad again since I try to move on and forget now. I have to come to realize that I am not a person to be consoled- I like to console myself..yeah,right. Maybe I am just uncomfortable with the attention it brings. I like to lay low when it comes to something emotional in my life.

Well, forget about it. About the confinement period, since I'm a childless mom, I don't have to look after a child so I didn't have a major problem to observe the confinement method like bertungku, berbengkung, strictly pantang, things like that. I am somewhat lucky because I do not feel the urge to eat anything unnecessary (though the temptation still there) during my confinement. Partly because I was soooo in pain at that time.

Like yesterday, I called a traditional masseuse to massage me again though I've already done with the 3 days massaging by a bidan back in my hometown. I still don't feel comfortable with my body so my hubby suggested me to call this lady who can do the post natal massage. She's from Teratak Sri Cendana, a Malay Traditional Therapy Centre in Bangi. The good thing about it is she has a massage service home to home so you don't have to go to her spa centre on your own. She also offered other services like reflexology, facial, tangas, herbs bath, tungku, sauna etc and traditional massage for men (no worries cos her husband will do it). It was actually really relaxing since you have 2 persons to massage you in your own house. She said I'm too small and I need to gain more weight and eat extra supplement and drink milk. She also reminded her assistant to be gentle on me since she's afraid she might break my bone during the massaging. Funny.Ha-ha..Ok, my current weight is 43kgs now so I need to gain like another 3 to 4kgs to get my ideal weight like before my pregnancy. Hey, I can do that.

I actually enjoy the massages more, the long hourly sessions are something that I look forward to and I still have another session with her this Saturday. But the 'sengkak thing' that she wants to do this Saturday is frightening me..I heard some scary stories about it and it's going to be painful..hmm takutnya..

*sengkak- to place your uterus (peranakan) to its original position..

I've been thinking of changing my blog layout. Since the internet connection is quite slow, maybe I will work on it later..

One Year

20th December 09 - Today is our first celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. Can't believe how time flies and it's already been one year of our marriage.

Today also suppose to be the estimated due date to meet our little angel but I know he's already in the most beautiful place right now and his memories will linger in our heart forever. As I reminiscing about the ups and downs we have had over the year and some misfortune in our lives recently, I can't help but to thank God everyday that he led me to you. I honestly believe that whatever obstacle is put in our path, is never too big to overcome.

May Allah cherish us with an everlasting ♥ and many more years of happiness together.

I ♥ you everyday and each day..

Learning to let go..

The past few weeks were hard for me after losing my precious angel.I'm posting this entry so my 36 weeks and 3 days memories with my lil angel remains alive and will remember him forever in my heart. Going thru the confinement period without a baby like other mommies is the hardest test given by God in my life but deep inside I know my lil angel was too perfect for this earth and God needed an angel by his side. We are grieving for the loss, but have a strong faith in God and know that all things are in His will and "everything happens for a reason".

24th Nov 09- I went to the clinic for my check-up as usual and was put on the fetal monitor since the nurses had a hard time with keeping my baby's heart beat steady - they thought he was moving around too much. I was then taken to the ultra-sound room but we were not able to hear anything. The doctors (2 doctors at the time) said that they couldn't find or detect my baby's heartbeat. I was immediately transfered to Putrajaya Hospital and deep inside I was hoping that there's glitches with the clinic's ultra sound machine but I knew I was wrong. When the doc informed me n hubby about the news, that my baby has passed away in the tummy though I already knew it in the back of my mind, but to actually hear the confirmation words from the doctor was completely broke my heart.In my mind I kept questioning why God didn't take my baby earlier.Why after almost 9 month of pregnancy when I feel so much attached to the baby and ready to welcome him to the world, He just took him away. I felt empty inside.I was just burst into tears.

The doctor suggested on a regular delivery which is the hardest to do emotionally, but in order for less complications for future pregnancies and deliveries I knew this would be the smartest (and hardest) procedure to take.

25th Nov 09-Wednesday morning, I was given medicine to start the opening of my cervix and at 2 pm I was given the next dose. Around 4pm I began having contractions that became more frequent and painful. I was pushed to the labour room and then gave birth at 7.30pm.

It was truly the hardest experience for me to actually giving birth and after the birth u couldn't hear the baby's crying -the room was just silent.I tried to hold my tears when the doctor showed me my baby. I wanted to memorise every inch of his calm face. He was only 1.9 kgs, definitely beautiful and perfect. When the doctor took him away I could feel tears streaming down my face. We have elected not to have an autopsy on him, but are letting him rest instead though we still have no scientific answer for his departure. Our baby was finally put to rest that night in my family in law's place. It was really devastated for not being able to attend his funeral due to my condition at that moment.I came home a day b4 AidilAdha and it took some time to start the emotional healing process.

There was more love for our little angel that was carried for 36 weeks and 3 days than I can imagine. Although we do not have the answers to our "why" questions, we know that there is a purpose in this strange circle of life. With our faith in God, our strength in each other, and the support from amazing friends and family we know that our grief will pass and we will be able to look back on this event with love and fond memories that we had while our lil angel was growing inside me.

I know God will not burden His servants more than what they can handle. Still remember a friend's note saying, perhaps we are the so-called strong ones to be given this test. But sometimes, even we are not that strong, but we try to be. Obviously God knows and our marriage is capable of handling what He has given to us - only knowing that there are better days ahead and many more blessings that are in store for our lives.

Now that I have given birth to our first son and had laid him to rest I know that hardest days are over. There will not be a day that we do not think of our precious baby, but instead of tears I will look at lil angel as a little boy that brought me n hubby, our families much closer.

I know I built this day up in my head and prepared myself emotionally, but it was a much better day than I thought it would be. I know that I will forever have my baby in my heart. Though it is still hard to talk about, but I know eventually I will be able to tell my angel's story without any tears...

I learnt to let go and redha...

Al-Fatihah...

A Hospital Visit...

I promised to crap something in the blog at least one entry per month. So before the time lapse since after this we’re going to celebrate AidilAdha, and while waiting for a colleague to buy me Mc Chicken for lunch since I’m so lazy to drag my legs to the café downstairs, I just push away all the files on the table and began to do something relaxing..yay time to blog…

Nak blog apa ye..ohh the first time I’ve been admitted to the ward. Yes, first time in my entire life. The experience was pretty scary. Last Friday morning I felt my stomach tensed up a lil bit I thought it was just a normal feeling when u're over 34 months of pregnancy. I just acted cool and later when I went to the café for breakfast with hubby, the stomach tensed up several times and at this time around it was starting to hurt really bad until I couldn’t think of anything else except just lying down the floor. I didn’t feel the urge to eat anything that morning n after I went back to the office I told my colleague about it n she contemplated me to call husband and just straight away go to the hospital for check up.

The pain was kicking me inside soo bad and when hubby drove me to the hospital I feel the journey is going to be forever. We arrived at the hospital, and I was brought to the labour room for examination. Upon some very uncomfortable check ups (especially when the doctor inserted her fingers in and put some liquid inside, boy it was sickening me! ) i've been told that i am already a centimeter dilated. I was like what?! Seriously I am only in the middle of 34 weeks and the baby must be kidding me. The doctor told me that it is a prime contraction and I need to stay at the labour room while the nurses put strapped around my belly which attached to the noisy thing called CTG or whatsoever to monitor the baby’s heartbeat.

Throughout the process they gave me a jab at the back to reduce the pain of the contraction and double jabs which they said to 'matangkan paru2 baby'. And believe me the second jab which was given at 3 am was super duper painful. To my surprise the doctor said that they are ready for pre-mature labour if the contraction continues and I have to stay overnight in the cold labour room while nurses kept came in and out of the room to check the CTG thingy and gave me some sort of oxygen gas. Hubby was allowed to enter the labour room for few times only and trust me sleeping in the labour room was no fun at all when u have to endure the voices of mommies screaming and gasping between the walls to let go humans off their bellies!

I am thankful enough coz the next day the pain quickly subsided and the contraction reduced to mild (but still 1cm dilated) and I was transferred to the ward for observation. Though I have to stay for another annoying night in the ward, I’m glad that the baby do understands that the time has yet to come for him to pop out. And I feel sorry for my family and family in laws, I think I made them worried and all I can say that the baby just want to have a ‘friendly’ visit to the hospital for 3 days n 2 nights.. =p

And now i am anxiously waiting for the rite time to arrive...+_+"

Mood swings....!

I'm not in the mood lately. I feel all the negative aura surrounding me and get sick of it.I hate when my boss ask me to do something and claim he/she asked me since I have legal background, so I know better. I hate whenever I'm about to sleep the baby inside kicking my tummy so that I'll change my sleeping position since he feels uncomfortable with it.I hate to see my bloated tummy in the mirror. I hate everything that I love before. My emotion is like a roller-coaster, I have mixed feelings almost about everything and don't know whom should I talk to. No one would listen or understand..I know it's not good so I read some articles about mood swings during pregnancy.They say its common, normal and can happen to even the smiliest of people. Among of the symptoms (especially the mood disorders) include:

• Feeling sad or depressed for more than two weeks
• Having strong anxieties and fears for more than a few days
• Having a decreased interest in usual activities
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Not being able to sleep but feeling very tired
• Sleeping more than usual but not ever feeling rested
• Not wanting to eat
• Thinking about hurting yourself or your baby or wanting to be dead, or just not here anymore
• Having unexpected physical problems like chest pains or difficulty breathing

Ok, probably bcoz of those extra hormones at the moment, I do experience some of the above symptoms sometimes.I considered it as pregnancy blues.Relief.Hope it will go away soon.

I think one of the best way to overcome it is to shop baby essentials.We almost done with the shopping last week, the itsy-bitsy, basic stuff and only few more things to buy.

Oh, Happy Birthday to dear husband. I always love u to bits..;*

Salam Aidilfitri...

May every minute of your eid
Be happy warm and bright...
May all your hopes and dreams
Turn 0ut exactly right...

Will be on holiday - balik kampung from tomorrow onwards and be back again on Sept 28th..Waiting patiently staring at the clock before office hour finishes at 5 pm. Already in holiday mood n bloody lazy to work.. Anyway, for those who are driving back to your hometowns, please drive safely and carefully. Have a pleasant break everyone! For those who are staying in KL, enjoy the empty roads!

Forgive me for any apparent or tacit transgressions.Salam Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin...

Kecik?

Been lazy lately to scribble anything in this blog. Plus the absence of internet connection in our house is the main reason why blogging is not a priority and i seriously try not to blog from the office. Facebook boleh pulak.hehe. Anyway since the internet connection in the office has been upgraded to 1.0 GB, i just squeeze my free time in for blogging.

I'm in my 24++ weeks of pregnancy and I'm quite anxious when some people I met even makcik cleaner said that I have a small belly and they even said I'm going to have a very small baby. Some say “kenapa kecik sangat”? and “dah nampak, tapi lebih kurang je ngan perut i yang tak pregnant ni “, those stuffs, bla bla bla. I still can fit in all my baju kurung (minus the kebaya of cos) when another staff in my office who's also pregnant almost the same time with mine already wears the “uniform” i.e the maternity blouse and her belly is 2 times bigger .woah??I haven't wear any of the uniform that hubby bought and i thought it's not yet necessary since the belly doesn't really fit in the size of my maternity clothes. So far i only wear ordinary blouse that loose down the belly.Anyway, the journey still far and some says the baby inside will growing super fast during 6 months n above of the pregnancy. Just wait n see lah.

Speaking of the baby inside who has been actively kicking and elbowing my tummy, my last month scan has concluded that the baby is going to be a Hero since the 'bird' (as addressed by the doctor) is soo obvious.Hahaha. The lady doctor at Klinik Mesra Sri Kembangan is so mesra and cute u know...highly recommended. I've started purchasing baby essentials since my 3 month pregnant and thank God I only bought neutral colours like blue and yellow (to be safe) for the baby and no pink stuff in the list.Heheh.

Haven't confirm any name yet for the baby but preferably it starts with A ..the real name is open for suggestions..=)


.....

Ramadhan is here again!!

Blog ini mengucapkan Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan yang semakin hampir. Tahniah kepada yang telah berjaya mengganti puasa dan kepada yang masih tabah berpuasa disaat2 akhir, selamat berbuka puasa diucapkan.;) (sape suruh tak ganti awal2..haha)

Puasa tahun ni mungkin agak mencabar jugakla. Sebab first time berpuasa di bulan Ramadhan sejak berkahwin dan of cos acara yang paling mendebarkan ialah acara memasak untuk bersahur atau berbuka. Biasa belije atau orang lain yang masakkan, tapi tahunni confirm kena masak sendiri.Nervous pasal nak rasa masin tawar dalam masakan sebab tak reti nak agak kalau puasa.(Kalau tak puasa, mesti dekat 10 kali rasa garam masa memasak). Ya ampun..And sangatla berharap puasa tahunni penuh sebab dah takde apa2 pengecualian sebab pregnant.;)

Disarankan supaya tidak berlebihan ketika membelanjakan duit di pasar Ramadhan dan semoga kita dapat menjalani ibadah puasa dengan khusyuk, lebih bersedekah dan membuat amalan-amalan yang diredhai dan diberkati Allah. Insya-Allah.


Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W.:

Bulan Rejab Bulan Allah,

Bulan Sya'aban bulanku &

bulan Ramadhan bulan umatku.

Kemuliaan Rejab dengan malam ISRAK MIKRAJnya,

Sya'aban dengan malam NISFUnya

Ramadhan dengan LAILATUL-QADARnya.

Malam awal Rejab mustajab do'anya.

(Dalam Kitab Raudhoh Imam Nawawi)

Selamat Berpuasa Semua Dan Semoga Amalan Kita Diterima Dan Sempurna. Daaa..

*apsal la Man U boleh kalah dekat kelab yang tak pernah dengar nama - Burnley tu. Isk.. >_<