The past few weeks were hard for me after losing my precious angel.I'm posting this entry so my 36 weeks and 3 days memories with my lil angel remains alive and will remember him forever in my heart. Going thru the confinement period without a baby like other mommies is the hardest test given by God in my life but deep inside I know my lil angel was too perfect for this earth and God needed an angel by his side. We are grieving for the loss, but have a strong faith in God and know that all things are in His will and "everything happens for a reason".
24th Nov 09- I went to the clinic for my check-up as usual and was put on the fetal monitor since the nurses had a hard time with keeping my baby's heart beat steady - they thought he was moving around too much. I was then taken to the ultra-sound room but we were not able to hear anything. The doctors (2 doctors at the time) said that they couldn't find or detect my baby's heartbeat. I was immediately transfered to Putrajaya Hospital and deep inside I was hoping that there's glitches with the clinic's ultra sound machine but I knew I was wrong. When the doc informed me n hubby about the news, that my baby has passed away in the tummy though I already knew it in the back of my mind, but to actually hear the confirmation words from the doctor was completely broke my heart.In my mind I kept questioning why God didn't take my baby earlier.Why after almost 9 month of pregnancy when I feel so much attached to the baby and ready to welcome him to the world, He just took him away. I felt empty inside.I was just burst into tears.
The doctor suggested on a regular delivery which is the hardest to do emotionally, but in order for less complications for future pregnancies and deliveries I knew this would be the smartest (and hardest) procedure to take.
25th Nov 09-Wednesday morning, I was given medicine to start the opening of my cervix and at 2 pm I was given the next dose. Around 4pm I began having contractions that became more frequent and painful. I was pushed to the labour room and then gave birth at 7.30pm.
It was truly the hardest experience for me to actually giving birth and after the birth u couldn't hear the baby's crying -the room was just silent.I tried to hold my tears when the doctor showed me my baby. I wanted to memorise every inch of his calm face. He was only 1.9 kgs, definitely beautiful and perfect. When the doctor took him away I could feel tears streaming down my face. We have elected not to have an autopsy on him, but are letting him rest instead though we still have no scientific answer for his departure. Our baby was finally put to rest that night in my family in law's place. It was really devastated for not being able to attend his funeral due to my condition at that moment.I came home a day b4 AidilAdha and it took some time to start the emotional healing process.
There was more love for our little angel that was carried for 36 weeks and 3 days than I can imagine. Although we do not have the answers to our "why" questions, we know that there is a purpose in this strange circle of life. With our faith in God, our strength in each other, and the support from amazing friends and family we know that our grief will pass and we will be able to look back on this event with love and fond memories that we had while our lil angel was growing inside me.
I know God will not burden His servants more than what they can handle. Still remember a friend's note saying, perhaps we are the so-called strong ones to be given this test. But sometimes, even we are not that strong, but we try to be. Obviously God knows and our marriage is capable of handling what He has given to us - only knowing that there are better days ahead and many more blessings that are in store for our lives.
Now that I have given birth to our first son and had laid him to rest I know that hardest days are over. There will not be a day that we do not think of our precious baby, but instead of tears I will look at lil angel as a little boy that brought me n hubby, our families much closer.
I know I built this day up in my head and prepared myself emotionally, but it was a much better day than I thought it would be. I know that I will forever have my baby in my heart. Though it is still hard to talk about, but I know eventually I will be able to tell my angel's story without any tears...
I learnt to let go and redha...
Al-Fatihah...
