Learning to let go..

The past few weeks were hard for me after losing my precious angel.I'm posting this entry so my 36 weeks and 3 days memories with my lil angel remains alive and will remember him forever in my heart. Going thru the confinement period without a baby like other mommies is the hardest test given by God in my life but deep inside I know my lil angel was too perfect for this earth and God needed an angel by his side. We are grieving for the loss, but have a strong faith in God and know that all things are in His will and "everything happens for a reason".

24th Nov 09- I went to the clinic for my check-up as usual and was put on the fetal monitor since the nurses had a hard time with keeping my baby's heart beat steady - they thought he was moving around too much. I was then taken to the ultra-sound room but we were not able to hear anything. The doctors (2 doctors at the time) said that they couldn't find or detect my baby's heartbeat. I was immediately transfered to Putrajaya Hospital and deep inside I was hoping that there's glitches with the clinic's ultra sound machine but I knew I was wrong. When the doc informed me n hubby about the news, that my baby has passed away in the tummy though I already knew it in the back of my mind, but to actually hear the confirmation words from the doctor was completely broke my heart.In my mind I kept questioning why God didn't take my baby earlier.Why after almost 9 month of pregnancy when I feel so much attached to the baby and ready to welcome him to the world, He just took him away. I felt empty inside.I was just burst into tears.

The doctor suggested on a regular delivery which is the hardest to do emotionally, but in order for less complications for future pregnancies and deliveries I knew this would be the smartest (and hardest) procedure to take.

25th Nov 09-Wednesday morning, I was given medicine to start the opening of my cervix and at 2 pm I was given the next dose. Around 4pm I began having contractions that became more frequent and painful. I was pushed to the labour room and then gave birth at 7.30pm.

It was truly the hardest experience for me to actually giving birth and after the birth u couldn't hear the baby's crying -the room was just silent.I tried to hold my tears when the doctor showed me my baby. I wanted to memorise every inch of his calm face. He was only 1.9 kgs, definitely beautiful and perfect. When the doctor took him away I could feel tears streaming down my face. We have elected not to have an autopsy on him, but are letting him rest instead though we still have no scientific answer for his departure. Our baby was finally put to rest that night in my family in law's place. It was really devastated for not being able to attend his funeral due to my condition at that moment.I came home a day b4 AidilAdha and it took some time to start the emotional healing process.

There was more love for our little angel that was carried for 36 weeks and 3 days than I can imagine. Although we do not have the answers to our "why" questions, we know that there is a purpose in this strange circle of life. With our faith in God, our strength in each other, and the support from amazing friends and family we know that our grief will pass and we will be able to look back on this event with love and fond memories that we had while our lil angel was growing inside me.

I know God will not burden His servants more than what they can handle. Still remember a friend's note saying, perhaps we are the so-called strong ones to be given this test. But sometimes, even we are not that strong, but we try to be. Obviously God knows and our marriage is capable of handling what He has given to us - only knowing that there are better days ahead and many more blessings that are in store for our lives.

Now that I have given birth to our first son and had laid him to rest I know that hardest days are over. There will not be a day that we do not think of our precious baby, but instead of tears I will look at lil angel as a little boy that brought me n hubby, our families much closer.

I know I built this day up in my head and prepared myself emotionally, but it was a much better day than I thought it would be. I know that I will forever have my baby in my heart. Though it is still hard to talk about, but I know eventually I will be able to tell my angel's story without any tears...

I learnt to let go and redha...

Al-Fatihah...

A Hospital Visit...

I promised to crap something in the blog at least one entry per month. So before the time lapse since after this we’re going to celebrate AidilAdha, and while waiting for a colleague to buy me Mc Chicken for lunch since I’m so lazy to drag my legs to the café downstairs, I just push away all the files on the table and began to do something relaxing..yay time to blog…

Nak blog apa ye..ohh the first time I’ve been admitted to the ward. Yes, first time in my entire life. The experience was pretty scary. Last Friday morning I felt my stomach tensed up a lil bit I thought it was just a normal feeling when u're over 34 months of pregnancy. I just acted cool and later when I went to the café for breakfast with hubby, the stomach tensed up several times and at this time around it was starting to hurt really bad until I couldn’t think of anything else except just lying down the floor. I didn’t feel the urge to eat anything that morning n after I went back to the office I told my colleague about it n she contemplated me to call husband and just straight away go to the hospital for check up.

The pain was kicking me inside soo bad and when hubby drove me to the hospital I feel the journey is going to be forever. We arrived at the hospital, and I was brought to the labour room for examination. Upon some very uncomfortable check ups (especially when the doctor inserted her fingers in and put some liquid inside, boy it was sickening me! ) i've been told that i am already a centimeter dilated. I was like what?! Seriously I am only in the middle of 34 weeks and the baby must be kidding me. The doctor told me that it is a prime contraction and I need to stay at the labour room while the nurses put strapped around my belly which attached to the noisy thing called CTG or whatsoever to monitor the baby’s heartbeat.

Throughout the process they gave me a jab at the back to reduce the pain of the contraction and double jabs which they said to 'matangkan paru2 baby'. And believe me the second jab which was given at 3 am was super duper painful. To my surprise the doctor said that they are ready for pre-mature labour if the contraction continues and I have to stay overnight in the cold labour room while nurses kept came in and out of the room to check the CTG thingy and gave me some sort of oxygen gas. Hubby was allowed to enter the labour room for few times only and trust me sleeping in the labour room was no fun at all when u have to endure the voices of mommies screaming and gasping between the walls to let go humans off their bellies!

I am thankful enough coz the next day the pain quickly subsided and the contraction reduced to mild (but still 1cm dilated) and I was transferred to the ward for observation. Though I have to stay for another annoying night in the ward, I’m glad that the baby do understands that the time has yet to come for him to pop out. And I feel sorry for my family and family in laws, I think I made them worried and all I can say that the baby just want to have a ‘friendly’ visit to the hospital for 3 days n 2 nights.. =p

And now i am anxiously waiting for the rite time to arrive...+_+"

Mood swings....!

I'm not in the mood lately. I feel all the negative aura surrounding me and get sick of it.I hate when my boss ask me to do something and claim he/she asked me since I have legal background, so I know better. I hate whenever I'm about to sleep the baby inside kicking my tummy so that I'll change my sleeping position since he feels uncomfortable with it.I hate to see my bloated tummy in the mirror. I hate everything that I love before. My emotion is like a roller-coaster, I have mixed feelings almost about everything and don't know whom should I talk to. No one would listen or understand..I know it's not good so I read some articles about mood swings during pregnancy.They say its common, normal and can happen to even the smiliest of people. Among of the symptoms (especially the mood disorders) include:

• Feeling sad or depressed for more than two weeks
• Having strong anxieties and fears for more than a few days
• Having a decreased interest in usual activities
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Not being able to sleep but feeling very tired
• Sleeping more than usual but not ever feeling rested
• Not wanting to eat
• Thinking about hurting yourself or your baby or wanting to be dead, or just not here anymore
• Having unexpected physical problems like chest pains or difficulty breathing

Ok, probably bcoz of those extra hormones at the moment, I do experience some of the above symptoms sometimes.I considered it as pregnancy blues.Relief.Hope it will go away soon.

I think one of the best way to overcome it is to shop baby essentials.We almost done with the shopping last week, the itsy-bitsy, basic stuff and only few more things to buy.

Oh, Happy Birthday to dear husband. I always love u to bits..;*

Kecik?

Been lazy lately to scribble anything in this blog. Plus the absence of internet connection in our house is the main reason why blogging is not a priority and i seriously try not to blog from the office. Facebook boleh pulak.hehe. Anyway since the internet connection in the office has been upgraded to 1.0 GB, i just squeeze my free time in for blogging.

I'm in my 24++ weeks of pregnancy and I'm quite anxious when some people I met even makcik cleaner said that I have a small belly and they even said I'm going to have a very small baby. Some say “kenapa kecik sangat”? and “dah nampak, tapi lebih kurang je ngan perut i yang tak pregnant ni “, those stuffs, bla bla bla. I still can fit in all my baju kurung (minus the kebaya of cos) when another staff in my office who's also pregnant almost the same time with mine already wears the “uniform” i.e the maternity blouse and her belly is 2 times bigger .woah??I haven't wear any of the uniform that hubby bought and i thought it's not yet necessary since the belly doesn't really fit in the size of my maternity clothes. So far i only wear ordinary blouse that loose down the belly.Anyway, the journey still far and some says the baby inside will growing super fast during 6 months n above of the pregnancy. Just wait n see lah.

Speaking of the baby inside who has been actively kicking and elbowing my tummy, my last month scan has concluded that the baby is going to be a Hero since the 'bird' (as addressed by the doctor) is soo obvious.Hahaha. The lady doctor at Klinik Mesra Sri Kembangan is so mesra and cute u know...highly recommended. I've started purchasing baby essentials since my 3 month pregnant and thank God I only bought neutral colours like blue and yellow (to be safe) for the baby and no pink stuff in the list.Heheh.

Haven't confirm any name yet for the baby but preferably it starts with A ..the real name is open for suggestions..=)


.....

Ka-ching!

Hi blog. Sorry for being absent for quite a while as I was busy with other stuff. Workloads, files, holidays, checking out websites for baby stuff n mommies, shopping, yada yada. heh. I am quite free for a moment so doing some blogging business during office hour is not a crime. rite. I am just crossing over 17 weeks pregnant, and so far I'm doing pretty fine with it. The good thing is, like normal pregnant lady i still don't have any major headaches or nauseated feelings except I puke everytime i brush my teeth and pee a lot.haha.

Besides i noticed I'm quite a spendthrift lately, i will do some online shopping and get myself some perfumes or eyeing and bidding some bags like nobody business. Is that a sign of being craving or what since 'preggy' used to crave for food. Like last week i have ordered this tote bag online and almost digging my purse for it. And I'm not a big fan of Coach at all.Ouch.

I emailed the seller that I will make the payment after I got back from Langkawi and I am relieved I canceled the order since right after arriving from Langkawi me n husband rushed to Low Yatt to grab ourselves this stuff since we couldn't find any of this in Langkawi with a good price. So Langkawi is not a total duty free land actually.

We planned to buy Nikon D90 at the first place but eventually after being 'poisoned' by the promoter we opted to buy this latest brand new Canon EOS 500D kit and additional macro lens since it's smaller in size, lighter and comes with 15.1 MP sensor.

So there goes my pocket money and after using my sane and prudent consideration I think I let go the bag first at least for this month.hehe..

Well, can't wait to know the gender of the baby ( still early though) since baby stuff are just soo cute to resist! ;)

He or She?

Finally I got a simple explanation why I’ve been soo lazy to the max throughout the month and discover the true reason for the severe lack of blog updates lately. My guts told me to buy the pregnancy test right before we went to Kuching. It showed up positive. I didn’t tell hubby about it until we got back from Kuching. So when I showed him the 2 red lines appeared on the pregnancy test he insisted me to go and see the doctor for confirmation cos he said he wants to tell the world. Yeah, I said no until I do the second test cos the first one might not accurate.

This has always kinda bothered me, and few days later I figured I'd get one and try again. And once again the two lines appeared. So yesterday I made my way to the clinic and shoved my husband for his meeting cos I don’t want him to be around. After the consulting hour with the doctor, she ushered me to the scanning room since I couldn’t recall when the last time I had my period and the next moment she exclaimed “ahh positive…see the little heartbeat?” The doctor herself was excited; she printed out the scanning result and explained to me what it’s all about: 2 month pregnant and the estimated due date. She gave me some advice about eating method during pregnancy i.e drink lots of water +milk; eat healthy food (that includes vegetables and all which I hated most) and etc. And right after the check up, my husband texted me asking whether it’s a boy or girl. huh? haha

Thank God I don’t have any unusual symptoms so far. Not even a hint of real nausea or serious fatigue or anything. I don’t really get morning sickness, although I did have some stomach uneasiness and intense laziness which has made cooking somewhat difficult. But it is a little disconcerting to not have any symptoms, nothing to make me really feel pregnant.=p (I think God just knows that I’m not strong enough to handle it yet..hehe) Well, it’s only 8 weeks, so I know it’s still super early and anything can happen, I just praying for the best.

I am in fact rather nervous about the whole upcoming months and tips and advice from everyone are mostly welcomed. My colleagues asked me to change my heel from now on and start with flat shoes or sandals. Already take note on that.;)

Please pray that God will protect the baby in the coming months and we will have a healthy baby. For now, I plan to stay happy, no worries and just endure the moment of my tummy getting bigger. Yeps.

Well here's my very first baby scan, taken approximately about 8 weeks n 3 days..just as small as peanut.